Where am I going?


Reflections after the Mid-Point Review presentation on the 14.3.2017. I


Mid-Point Review Presentation (Unit 1)

My journey on the MA is an extension of my BA which I graduated from a year ago, I want to explore my practice further and refine it. I am just carrying on from where I had left.

I am at the moment exploring my drawings and performance further, either being partially in my performances or stretching my drawings into small sculptures. I  am still in the process of making works with different mediums and then bringing them together “like a jigsaw puzzle” at the end of my 2nd year.

I would like to recreate a story of my own or a labyrinth. Where I bring many things that are of polar opposites together. A bit like a storyteller.

The research that inspires for my practice mainly comes from cinema, poetry, music and real life experiences of my own and how I view the world. Looking from the eyes of a naive teenage girl stuck in time.


Just Playing

A Performance with Dolls and Eggs.




Artist Talk – Rana Begum at CSM.

I went to see Rana Begum’s Exhibition at the Parsol Unit last year. So when a friend told me she is giving a talk at CSM, I had to go!

Begum’s work is about minimalism, she plays with light, color, and structure/form.

It was interesting to see a female artist of color not making work regarding her identity or ethnicity.


Low Residency

Week 1

Day 1 – Sound, Vision, Capture, in the new build at Camberwell.

My sketches – I wanted the infrastructure and the dead objects to have their own identity and conversations with each other. I just wanted to bring life and fun to these dull things!

These photos I had taken with my iPhone and used a filter to give a nostalgic look


Day 2 – Group Tutorial

I must check out these places, The foundling Museum, and The Museum of Childhood.

Gallery visits




Day 3 – Projection Mapping workshop

Me and Eng group. I filmed Eng perform in the corridor for our projection film. I could not upload the film onto the blog!


Week 2

Day 1 –  Workshop at South kiosk Gallery in Peckham


 Day 2  – Workshop at South kiosk Gallery in Peckham


Day 3 – Tate Exchange

Workshop – What Happens If We Push This?



Day 4 Last Day of Low Residency! : (

Workshop – Artist CV


We visited the studio of artist Chila Kumari Burman in London. Chila has a great body of work and a lot of stories to tell.



I was listening to interviews and music regarding Sufi singers from Pakistan. They had such inspirational thought process for the individual and then that spills into the rest of humanity. They really do have a gentle soul. The struggle of the individual is the reason why we live in a chaotic world. Once we can face the truth about ourselves and make peace with it then everything will start balancing out.

Alam Lohar Pakistani Punjabi Folk Singer: on Folk Music



I did a ceramics workshop this week. It was my first time to use this workshop. I made a small pot, a small pinch pot, a roti (South Asian bread), and Pieces of Soni and Maniwal’s  unbaked broken pot (a Punjabi folk story). The material I used was terracotta, this was in reference to Soni and Maniwal’s Love story.

I did not go back to the ceramics workshop it really was not for me. Why? Because technique or skill, I am not so invested in these matters regarding my work, I have my own method.


This was a funny and odd book I read.


A quote from David Lean and of course I watched DR Zhivago.


I found some interesting images whilst looking through many astrology diagrams. These seemed similar to my voodoo paper dolls!


I was curious, so I went to check-out Terry Quinn’s Microsoft Hololens at the Tate Taylor Digital Studio. I also tried it on and it was pretty cool!



Even though I had not really prepared for the inspiration session. I went through some old notes and images (that I had collected over the past few years) of the Iranian-born artist Shirin Neshat and her film Women Without Men 2009. Her work has always been very inspirational to me because she creates beautiful images of people, relationships, and landscapes with a cinematic presence. Neshat brings all this together but she is also a storyteller and questions and investigates these relationships deeply. Neshat touches on everything in her work including society, gender roles, love, death, loss, and politics.


I was watching a Pakistani drama serial from the 1990s called Putli Ghar (Puppet House) directed and produced by Mehreen Jabbar. I felt that the first episode captured everything about life and human relationships. I also remember the strange dolls and how we humans are almost the same.

Stills from Putli Ghar


Last week I had really vivid dreams. I decided to capture them as drawings and the text from memory. I felt these dreams were talking to me about my inner subconscious which had been buried. These dreams felt like nostalgic memories, which had never taken place in real life.



Back to the playboard!



If we are made by a higher source of energy which is one or as a whole. Then do we have a tiny bit of this energy within us? It could be seen or unseen, and both a the same time.

We cannot be equal to this higher source. Because we face disease, death, and cannot stop time.

Has this higher source of energy left remnants of itself on us, in order to heal ourselves, if we wish.


This is how life has been for me for most of November and December!







After thoughts, from the exhibited film and sculptures.

Ways to film and edit the characters in motion e.g. Animation?

Should I be present in the performance and is it important to my work?

What other childrens materials can I play with?

I would have like to edit the film before showing and I would have shown the work in a pitch black room with dim lights. Kind of a little mini horror show!


Pictures from tonight’s pop-up show.



I was playing around with these “Play-doh” body parts this morning and thought maybe this could be a new language?



More clay! I have been making body parts from this strange “play-doh”. I soon realized there was a downside to this “play doh”, it dried very quickly like marshmallows. Which means I cannot stick them together to form my matchstick men sculptures, aaaaagh!

This material was very different from the pearl clay which was sticky and had taken 5 days to dry. I will have to find a way to stick them together…….unfinished for now : (


I just filmed my pearl clay sculptures perform. This was unexpected. I was not sure how I could show them, at their full potential.  I just went for it. I looked at the film on my laptop as the sound was better, but still, I would need headphones as my voice is low. I thought maybe my flatmates would walk in and say what the fuck!

All I can say about the performance……it was hilarious! I sound like a kid playing with dolls. The film reminded me of Chucky that evil doll, lol.

I would like to edit the film, as I was not happy about my chin in the film. It showed me talking. I just wanted to show my hands. I wore black and used black fabric in order to show the clay characters more, rather than focusing on myself.

So my work will be shown (pop-up show) in two parts, one physical (clay sculptures) and the other digital (film)… I guess?!

I want the sculptures to have that star quality, where they are given importance e.g in the credits (but in the physical sense).


I was reading about women and children in ancient Rome and Greece, the Europeans seemed more misogynistic. They treated women and children as sexual objects, and of much less importance (close to an animal), there was also a hierarchy system in place.

And they ate human flesh! Not so unique and civilized then.

The ancient civilizations in Asia, Arabia, South America, and Egypt, seemed more forward thinking towards women, no it was not all rosy, but women had their own importance in some ways.

“strange” how we have been told it was always the other way around.


I want to keep my art organic and raw in its appearance (for now). I want my art to carry on looking like it is still in its infancy. I do not want that polished look …. it feels vacant, to me.

As my artwork is about the self. Having the child-like element meeting the adult undertones it is much more vital to my work, done of course with satire. You just have to be able to laugh at yourself, at life, and all other shit!

The reason being I am quite an organized person (maybe not so much with my thoughts!) and independent from a very young age (I had no choice). I have to be well presented in my everyday life as I work in the beauty industry. So I believe its ok for me to be a bit disorganized and sporadic with my art practice.


Can a new foundation be built? A question I asked in my post on the 12.10.2016. When the foundation you were born into was unstable……… I believe it is time to recreate your own foundation/roots. You take what you need and recreate your own culture that coincides with you and your life. Things that help your mental and emotional growth, not stunt your growth.

So I have decided to go back in time, really go back (I have kinda been on this path for a while though):

Nature (Mother Earth), The Cosmos, Ancient civilizations, hunters and gathers, Colonial History, Gender Politics, Family Dynamics, Signs and Symbols.

I am sifting through information on the above, I am looking for particles that can catch my eye, positively or negatively, one energy force cannot function without the other.

Dark Side or is it? Not in my eyes, it needs to be addressed: Patriarchy, Madonna-Whore Complex, Sex, Sexuality, abuse within “families”, “partnerships” and society of all kinds, all levels. My conclusion – We are just Animals with clothes on. We have created our own prisons. when we try to escape from ourselves, we forge other identities or roles and do heinous crimes towards ourselves and each other.


I just felt like painting in lilac on this interesting handmade paper from India, its made from recycled cotton rags, for me they look like pages from an ancient book. Lilac went with my mood. Then I became a little frustrated from the mini paint brush, so I started to paint with a bit more blue. I wanted the first layer to have an ethereal quality, fragile like myself, but with many layers to come.


Directing your own life, the parts that are within your grasp.

Birth –  your Starting. You had no control or say (or did you?). Already written.

Present – the now. A mix of the two. Already written. But it is your reaction to the already written that you can then redirect if you are brave enough.

Death – the End. The obvious, anything that has life must one day die. Already written at your birth.

Example: (from a South Asian film, I cannot recall the name) These words have stayed with me.

Two female friends face each other, one slightly younger and the other slightly older.

The mature woman says to the younger woman “you are my past, and I am your future, what stands between us is the present”

The younger woman allows her past to ruin her present life, eventually taking her own life.

The mature woman learned from her past and invests it into her present life and is seen flourishing years later.

Conclusion: One woman defines her past and redirects it towards a more secure and uplifting future and the other woman lets her past direct her future ruining herself because she did not believe she was worthy of a better life.


How do we find the authentic self? And leave behind the I that we present to the outside world.

A quest to find the authentic self, becomes a life long journey.

But, are we already with the authentic self, has it always been there. Has it just taken awhile for us to accept the truth.


The after thoughts of making drawings and mini playing clay sculptures.

I thought they were funny. I went back and looked at them again on camera, one by one. I giggled like a child. Then I analysed them further, they look like characters, going through emotions, sometimes high, sometimes low, sometimes together, and sometimes falling apart. Then becoming a ball of tangled emotions and feelings. Not sure where the start was and not sure where the end is.


Early morning thoughts, series 2.


Early morning thoughts.


I have been drawing my sick matchstick men/women/both today. Just purging out the vulgar parts of life again! Like meditation has its place, so do these a detoxing of the mind, a constant burden on my shoulders.  Not too sure if I should put them up, still thinking.

Sometimes I feel like I am in a cage. It’s like a fuckin Zoo!

Refine my art practice, do not think of in terms of material, the subject matter needs to stand out, concerns at the core, adult combined with child, me making visible men/women, justice, Meena Kumari, female abuse on screen and off, child-like nature of dressing up, subjected male authority, co-opting with the abuser, reacting to abuse, Stockholm syndrome, revisiting the past.   


Our physical health, emotional wellbeing, and spiritual journey, these are all connected to the self. The family of origin is at the roots. When an imbalance occurs at the roots these three branches of our lives are profoundly affected . The individual has a rocky road ahead, as this reflects back and forth onto the individual and the choices they make, especially in the earlier parts of adulthood. Things I have been looking into:

Art Therapy , Astrology, Tarot, psychology, society, healing, family dynamics and just about the self.


Role play!

I played, the role of a father? I played, the role of a mother? But, I am neither of these!


The family of origin is considered to be the foundation of an individual. This is true. A weak foundation can make a wobbly structure, that will eventually collapse onto itself. So should the family of origin, be allowed to remain as the foundation? Can the individual build a new foundation from scratch?


Are we malleable like playing clay? And who is doing the playing?



I faced my life for the first time, like a stranger meeting a stranger.


The chains of yesterday and the grey mist of tomorrow.


Dancing Tears.



I read an article today  on Anais Nin (www.brainpickings.org), writing about her fluid identity. This sheds some light onto my own journey of constantly evolving as human-being, while on this earth.


A Collage of Research (in note form) 18-9-2016

Dreams, fantasy, and the cosmos. Removing myself from direct view. Playing behind the scenes. A child with a toy box, playing with all the toys. Where am I going, with this?

Who Shall I be today?


Today, I read for the 2nd time about Eris in Astrology. The cosmos and our personalities.

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